Family Ties

The word ‘tie’ has several literal meanings and when metaphorically viewed in terms of ‘family ties’ it provides an interesting insight into what happens in some families.  In my opinion, one of the worst created fashion items for men – the tie – a piece of material that is knotted and pulled tight around the neck – can symbolise quite powerfully the ‘ties’ that bind the family.  It is remarkable how tied (excuse the pun) that many men are to their ties; there are some men who would never venture out without a tie!  I recall several times being confronted at business conferences about not wearing a tie.  Given that what another person says is always about him (or her) I enquired ‘what is it about my not wearing a tie that bothers you?’  The most common response is that ‘you should wear a tie!’  

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The Path to Independence

Adolescence is about becoming adult. Being an adult is about taking responsibility for your self and for your actions.  Easier said than done and there are many adults who are not in such a solid place of self-reliance.  Sadly, these adults – parents, teachers, employers – are not in a mature place to guide young people towards establishing independence and responsibility.  When teenagers do not have adults in their lives who model self-reliance, it is difficult for them to make progress towards independence.  The reality is that the very people they need to support and aid them in their pursuit of independence are often struggling for independence themselves. 

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Alarming Figures on Teenagers Self-Harming

One in ten teenagers (15-17) reported in their response to an anonymous questionnaire that they had either cut themselves or taken a drug overdose at least once.  Nearly fifty per cent of the 4,000 teenagers surveyed reported they had self-harmed more than once.  The two main reasons given were ‘I wanted relief for a terrible situation’ and ‘I wanted to die.’  What is distressing about the study’s findings is the high number of young people who are self-harming and the re-occurring fact that girls are three times more likely to self-harm than boys.  What is alarming about the reported figures is that eighty five per cent of the troubled teenagers did not seek help.  This non-reporting of inner turmoil is in keeping with previous research that showed that twenty to twenty-five per cent of teenagers have ‘undetected serious emotional turmoil.’ 

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Sibling Relationships

What happens at the family reunions of adult siblings is often a mirror of their earlier relationships in childhood. It is a sad reality that family reunions are rarely harmonious and the discussion that has been on the surface or lurking behind a façade of jollity can emerge quite quickly during the get-together. There are brothers and sisters, too, who haven’t spoken to each other for years due to differences of opinion on what family life had been all about. What is often missed in adult sibling conflict is that each sibling had a different mother and a different father, so when adulthood stories are being told, there will be radical differences in the experiences related! When two individuals interact – each parent and each child, the relationship is unique. Acknowledgement of this amazing reality could ease much of the conflict between adult siblings. The other reality that could dispel conflict is that each child in a family finds a unique way to express his or her individuality, In other words, children go opposite to each other in order to not be lost in the sameness that can be demanded in some families and classrooms.  Each child develops personal qualities and a repertoire of interests and behaviours that are very different to a brother or sister. As a twin, my brother and I were described as ‘chalk and cheese’ – I never did figure out who was the ‘chalk’ and who was the ‘cheese!’ If he was the rogue, I was the serious child; if he was street-wise, I was street naive; if I was good at looking after family members’ needs, he was good at getting others to look after his; if I was top of the class in school, he was bottom; if he was a dare-devil, I was cautious. One other reality that needs to be accepted is that no two families are alike

Of course, parents also tend to be opposite in many ways to each other and the child who fits in with the parent’s ways is more likely to be the favourite compared to the child who challenges a parent’s ways of relating to self and others.

There have been theories that birth order affects a child’s development, but there is no hard and fast rule here. Certainly, it was and is often the case that the eldest child is loaded with more responsibilities than the younger siblings and this can lead to displacement of resentment towards his parents for the unfairness of always having to be the ‘responsible one’ onto the younger siblings. Such displacement can lead to a controlling and aggressive type of relationship with her younger siblings which often persists into adulthood. Not surprisingly, the younger children will in turn – known as circular causality - resent being ‘bossed’ by their older siblings and this, too, can persist into adulthood. Often, these disharmonious sibling relationships raise their distressing heads at critical family times – births, weddings, deaths, wills and when a parent becomes unwell.

Another common belief about family life is the phenomenon of being the middle or ‘sandwiched’ child. The theory is that this child has two battlefronts: one, with the older and two, with the younger child. It is frequently – but not always – the case that this child has to fight to gain attention and affection. In truth, it comes down to the nature of the relationship each parent has with the middle child; it is not his position in the family that determines the nature of the relationship. What is true is that he or she needs to establish his individuality in ways that are entirely different to the older and younger siblings. Because being the ‘rebel’ child is a risky business, and unlikely to have been adopted by the older and young sibling, the middle child may well adopt this persona.

The gender of children can affect the relationship between them, particularly in families where the ‘girls’ are expected to look after the ‘boys’ and do most of the domestic chores. Such an unfair sharing out of family responsibilities can lead to a polarisation between girls and boys in a family which, again, can persist into adulthood.

Another popular term to describe sibling relationships is ‘sibling rivalry’ – where children rival each other for their parents’ affection and attention. Again, this will only arise when each parent fails to establish a unique relationship with each child or when a parent makes it obvious that she has a favourite. Later on, in adulthood – particularly at the reading of the last will and testament of a parent – the hurts experienced in childhood and the unresolved need to be loved for self – will rise up and cause considerable dissension among adult siblings.

Resolution of sibling conflict is likely when each one party to the conflict reflects and moves towards self-reliance and away from enmeshment with siblings and parents. From that solid interiority, compassion takes the place of conflict.  Of course, there are families where children become the best of friends and this perpetuates into adulthood. However, there is a lot of truth in the saying ‘friendship is God’s apology for family.’

Dr. Tony Humphreys practices as a clinical psychologist and is author of several books on practical psychology including Leaving The Nest.

The Truth Will Set You Free

It seems synchronistic that at the time when the Olympic Games are being hosted in China that Yiyun Li, the young Chinese woman author was here in Ireland to read at the Kilkenny Arts Festival.  Yiyun Li won the inaugural Frank O’Connor Short Story Award as well as many other literary awards.  At a time when truth is what is urgently required in international politics her survival of a Chinese regime where people were and are depersonalised and you dare not speak the truth is a testament to the unconquerability of the human spirit. 

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